Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The PG Rating Just Fell Off With a Loud Clunk

Benjamin and Val, if you are reading this post you may want to stop right now. It's going it get a little creepy. Trust me honey, this is a conversation that Mago and I had when you were about a year and a half old. You might find it a tad uncomfortable. I'm just sayin" No child wants to know that their parents or grandparent ever had sex. Cuz, Ewwww!

For those of that are not my kids. Read away.

In the mid 1980s there was a Seattle talk show host by the name of Jennifer James. She was a psychologist with a real PhD (unlike some that will remain nameless). Everyday people would call her up and she would talk to them about whatever problem they were dealing with. It was all really nicely done and she was very popular.

My mother-in-law loved listening to Jennifer James. Since, my MIL was a very frail arthritic 78 years old at that time in her life, sitting in her chair and listening to the radio was a joy for her. I was all for anything that gave my MIL joy.

Every afternoon I would walk over to her house (she lived next door but don't think that we lived in a neighborhood. We all had acreage next to each other. Still not much of a walk but not 5 feet apart. Someday I'll talk about how I convinced JR to move next to his parents. Tangent over) for afternoon tea and cookies. I would bring the only boy we had at the time. He would play on the floor while we had tea and chatted.

One day after I put out the tea and cookies, got the boy settled, helped my MIL into her chair and handed her her tea, she says, "I was listening to Jennifer James today".

Me: "Oh that's nice. Was it interesting?"

MIL: "Very. What is oral sex?" said in a completely nonchalant voice.

Me, spewing tea: "Ex..ex...excuse me?"

MIL: "Oral sex? What is it?"

Me: "Well, uh are you sure you want to talk about this? I mean lets talk about Oldest Boy. Isn't he cute? Look how fast he can put that puzzle together."

MIL: " No, Jennifer James had a caller today that talked about how she wants oral sex more often and doesn't get it. What is it?

Me: Well, uh when a man or a women pleasure each other with their mouths."

MIL: "Pleasures them where?"

Me: uhhhh....genitals. You know....down there." Imagine me embarrassed up to my eyeballs trying to explain this one.

MIL: "Why would anyone do that?"

Me: "Because it feels great".

MIL: "Darn it, I KNEW I was missing out on something."

Me: crickets

I'm so happy that she never asked if JR and I had oral sex. That would have been an even more uncomfortable conversation. I mean the whole driving down I5 thing might have come up. How do you explain something like that?



  1. ROFLMAO! You are SO lucky she didn't follow up your "Because it feels great" with "And how would YOU know?"

  2. That's it! This post ends my day! I'm going home now since NOTHING can top this!

  3. OMG; that is better than the time I was 12 and I was reading the Exorcist and asked my father what "masturbate" means...

  4. That is awesome! It is times like those that you wish you got that on tape!

  5. How embarrassing! And funny.

  6. Oh my. So wait, you're saying that people had sex back then? And oral sex? Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I thought my generation started that dirtiness. ;)

    This reminded me of my frail, arthritic grandma who once asked me if I thought my cousin was a lesbian. I was about twelve at the time and didn't think my gram knew what that term meant. She was and my cousin was (and still is).

  7. That's amazing that she had never heard about that at her age.

  8. Are you SURE she was't funnin' with you?

  9. I think I would have a heart attack if my MIL asked me that.

    I can't even image the words leaving her mouth.

  10. I think I would expire on the spot if I had that conversation with my MIL. She once started complaining that my FIL thought she 'owed' him sex because he helped with the dishes and I ran screaming from the room.

  11. Oh my! That's so hilarious. I can't imagine my MIL asking that, but I can seem my mom asking my dh just to get his reaction! LOL!!!