Monday, May 18, 2009

Vacation Season is Right Around the Corner

Planning a family vacation? The Onion has some really terrific vacation planning tips. I'm sure you"ll find them as helpful as I did.

Planning A Family Vacation

Summer is just around the corner, and that means one thing: family vacations. Here are some tips to make your brood's next trip a success:

Planning A Family Vacation

Family around station wagon.

  • Vacations can be educational, as well as fun. Take advantage of teaching opportunities while at places like Gettysburg Go-Kart & Waterpark and the Wounded Knee Outlet Mall.
  • If you have young teenage girls, a trip to the Far East can easily pay for itself.
  • Visit a local travel agency and load up on Caribbean-cruise brochures. Hold these brochures very close to your face for a quickie vacation-on-a-budget.
  • If you plan to be gone more than a few days, set an automatic timer to turn your lights on and off five times a second while pulsating techno music plays.
  • You should totally go to Bhutan, dude. There's, like, Buddhist temples there run entirely by monkeys.
  • Not all life-insurance policies will pay out if your family is killed in a foreign country. If this is your plan, ask yourself whether you're doing it for financial or personal reasons.
  • Lindsay Buckingham found out long ago: It's a long way down the holiday road. Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oad.
  • If you have teenage children, chances are they want nothing to do with you and your lame vacation plans. Stock the house with plenty of booze and leave them behind to drink and fornicate in peace.
  • Need food, gas, or lodging? Unfortunately, there are few places in the U.S. that furnish these things.
  • Organization is the key to a successful vacation. Have a German army officer plan your trip.
  • When driving across country, remember: Interstate rest stops are a great way for you and your family to enjoy free, anonymous gay sex.
  • Whenever possible, encourage your children to distract sleep-deprived, speed-addled men driving 20-ton trucks.
  • Make sure you fill up your kids with soda before you leave. You don't want them asking for soda on the road.
  • When visiting the Grand Canyon, try to suppress your overpowering urge to throw yourself and your family over the railing.
I would like to add:
  • Only take your toddler to the theme park during nap time. This will ensure a total meltdown of said child which will increase your chances of going to the front of every line.
  • By dressing your children like every other child at your location you will fulfill the ultimate parent dream of losing them.
  • Be sure to completely ignore the gas gauge when drive across the desert. That gas pump light is not so much of a warning as it is just an annoyance.
Leave a comment with some of your tried and true vacation tips.



  1. The Onion rocks. I have a tip...

    When my son was younger, our last family vacation together was a week at Va. Beach.

    I was a staff rep for a Public Emloyees Union at the time. On our way I dropped off some papers for a member of mine who worked at a State Juvinile Correctional Facility.

    When my kid (who was 6 at the time) asked me what the place was... I told him it was a prison for kids who acted up while on vacation.

    He behaved the entire time. Cheers!!

  2. When you have to pee, make sure it happens 50 miles from a rest area while a raging thunderstorm is happening. Always a fun way to spice up a road trip.

  3. Thanks for the tips, I will definitely implement the flashing lights techno music one into our daily routine.

    I won't go on vacation with these little aholes until they're old enough to not act like aholes at all. It's going to be a long few years around here.

  4. Sprite was fine when we took her to Disney. Whenever she tried to stage a coup, I just put her in time out. So what if we impinged on a break room where Cast Members were hanging out? Once they heard it was "THAT kid" they had heard just minutes earlier, they were all for letting her see the dark side of Disney.

  5. Thanks! I'm going to print this out so I can refer back to it as I'm planning our Disneyworld trip. :)

  6. I love the onion.

    Vacations just aren't the same now that I have a toddler.

  7. Yes, I love the Onion too!!!

    Funny funny post. We actually ran out of gas on our last road trip. I'm trying to think how I can make that a funny story. Still working on it.

    I vote for Staycations.

  8. oh and if you're kid says that they don't have to pee before you head down a long road of 100 miles with no rest stops, believe him

  9. I liked the part about Insurance not paying if you die in a strange land!