Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Threat levels around the World

• The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have used the "A Bit Cross" level since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

• The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front lines of the British army for the last 300 years.

• The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

• It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Engage in Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

• The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress up in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

• Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

• The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

• Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.

• Canada has alert levels, but no one can remember where they put the list.

• New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

• Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be aw'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

JR was sent these by his brother. We thought they were cute.

As an American of Scots ancestry my threat level would be a preemptive "Let's get the Bastards".

What would your threat level be?




  1. It's "She'll be right, mate." (not aw'right)

    Unfortunately, the barbie was canceled this past weekend, and it had nothing to do with terror alerts. It rained - REALLY rained - for the first time in Canberra since ... oh ... about FOREVER! (Since I can remember anyway. The river actually flowed!)

  2. And I think Australia does have one higher level of alert which goes something along the lines of "Strewth! Hope we're still mates with those bloody Yanks!"

  3. I am a fellow Scot, right there with ye. Although I must say that after reading Churchill's history of WWII, I have a little more sympathy for the French. Easy for the island-bound English to say "no surrendur." It wasn't their country being overrun, and their people being slaughtered. And every day now, I thank heaven for the Brits who stood their ground. While they were expecting invasion, the slogan was, "You can always take one with you!" And that's your history lesson for today.

  4. Oh - those silly French!

    I'm pretty much a mutt so I'll go with the American slogan for today.

  5. Canada's current level would be "wait til the hockey is over."

  6. Let's get the bastards would be mine too.


  7. I had to laugh... I really enjoyed this brightness to my day.

    But what happened to Irish...Being part Scots and Irish I do believe the Irish need some sort of warning level.


  8. I'm a Texan; we don't do alerts, we just shoot your ass. If you're lucky, we'll yell "Stop, or I'll shoot" after the fact.

  9. Best laugh today... thanks:)

    Happy Wednesday

  10. I think we need something relating to the levels of PMS crankiness!

  11. Heh, what Jan said!! My thoughts 'zactly!!

  12. HILARIOUS!!! All the time I spend at the airport would be far more interesting if these were the threat levels rather than the elaborate color coding system we have now. And why does orange have to be threatening? It's always been one of my favorites and they are ruining it for me!