Thursday, September 17, 2009

Where to Retire? Here's a few suggestions

My friend Terry sent this to me. There are some major truisms here.


Here are some suggestions . . .

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
(Having lived in Phoenix I can safely say that every single one of these is true)

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where....

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed. note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." it's important to know the difference, too...

You can retire to Colorado where....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center…
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind---even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist…
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

So what do you think? Are the rest all as accurate as the one for Phoenix?



  1. HA...The Midwest example is pretty much dead on. Cheers Michele!!

  2. Yes! The Midwest is correct for sure!! Now wheres my coat at?

  3. May I add a few to Florida?
    - Where you are considered a "native" once you live through one hurricane.
    - Where the words "Category" and "Wall" and "Eye" take on a whole new meaning.
    - Where you can run into nothing but New Yorkers, Michiganers, or Ohioans depending on which side of the state you're on.
    - Where you can run into EVERYBODY by just heading to Orlando.
    - Where any non-Floridians are jealous of where you live while you're dreaming jealously of where they live, especially in the months of May through November.

  4. montana where you have 4 seasons, winter, winter, winter and deer hunting season... seriously the last best place methinks :)


  5. ROFLMAO @ picking "Granola" up from daycare.

    I don't see why there would be any confusion about "yonder."

    "In yonder" is the room of the house you're pointing at; in my case, either the kitchen or the bathroom.

    "Over yonder" is the side of the yard where you left the rake your husband is looking for.

    "Out yonder" - is almost accompanied by a waving motion and directions, usually involving a field and an unmarked road.

    Seems simple to me.

  6. Very funny.

    I just want to retire in a small town somewhere where the weather is reasonable.

  7. Colorado is. And our part of Colorado could pass for the Midwest! HA


  8. I didn't know we Midwesterners were the only ones who ended sentences with a preposition. I notice that I do that all the time, but I never feel like fixing it.

  9. So you're saying I'm going to get to "retire" some day? I loved the list, the FL ones (plus Sprite's Keeper) were dead on.

  10. LOL

    The sad thing is that we are actually thinking of where we would like to retire; the good thing is that you provided this helpful guide.

    My favorite line might be the car with the headless driver. We have a lot of those around these parts. (But we don't live wherever that was (I can't go back and see)

  11. I have lived in Phoenix and California and they were both right on. If you are retiring to California now….we are in fire season.

  12. This is very funny. I, too, lived in Phoenix (for 14 years) and I agree with all of it.