Thursday, November 19, 2009

Important Medical Update

Important medical update sent to me by the awesomeness that is Miss Julie. She knows that I'm a health nut and can use all the advice I can get. I'm sure she would be only too happy that I passed it along to you folks.

Monday, November 09, 2009

'I Love This Doctor'

Papa B sends us this critical medical update.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain... GOOD!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTEN!!! Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO... Cocoa bean! Vegetable!!! Cocoa bean best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Executive Summary

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



  1. Ellway, isthay asway ertainlycay...enligteningyay.

  2. This reminds me of something I came across recently on a Tao Sexual Yoga site:

    "Men who ejaculate once or more on a daily basis may eventually 'lose their minds', since 20 percent of male semen is composed of cerebrospinal fluid. Frequent ejaculation thus causes a chronic drain of the vital fluids that the brain and spine require to function properly."


    There's much more on that page too.

  3. I will never grasp logistical efficiencies; but this is the funniest post evah. I want to link to this..

    Only so many heartbeats...bahahahaha. Your last line is the best; but I'd have to go back to see it and crap I am way too lazy. I do remember that I thought that it was so as I read it. :)

  4. I got that same joke on Tuesday! What a hoot!


  5. Eat meat, drink beer, take nap. Rinse. Repeat.

    Would rinsing count the same as swimming? Obviously, I was not listen.

  6. That was some well rounded snark there. Loved it!

  7. Always good to have a few good excuses lined up for when I need them.

    I think we American need to relax more. The stress is getting to killing us.

  8. Ah, more proof that an all meat diet is the way to go.

  9. That was hysterical - I'm so happy to hear cocoa bean = vegetable, now I will get my required servings a day. Whew - that had me worried for awhile.

  10. I love this! I wish my doctor would give me this advice.

  11. So if I can twist anything into being a vegetable, I'm good. Ok then.

  12. THANK GOD. I'm totally in the clear...

  13. where the hell was this guy when I started exercising a million years ago?

  14. Love this!!! Thanks so much for sharing.

  15. I posted this in the office breakroom when I got it a few months ago. We're still laughing about it.

  16. TOTALLY made my day! have a good weekend!

  17. Clearly I need to switch doctors.

  18. I am definitely on board with wine as a fruit serving.