Thursday, May 21, 2009

In Defense of Meat: The Boy’s Perspective Part I

For some reason The Boy felt he needed to give his side of my story. Don't know where he got that idea. Obviously beatings and confinement don't stifle individuality and creativity. Oh well, you can't blame me for trying.

My maternal overlord was having a difficult time of figuring out what to blog about so I suggested I guest blog for kicks. My proposal to guest blog was mainly spurred by my mild inebriation from a bottle of great pinot noir mother sought out earlier in the week (it’s a crime and wineries are much more deserving of a federal bailout than banks are IMO). My true reason, now that I am sobering up, is to issue my perspective about living under the roof of an authoritative vegetarian regime.

I remember a time once when the mother used to be a normal, meat-eating American. Like the fading memory of my childhood, it was a happy time for all and there was much rejoicing. Clinton was in office and the government was running a surplus (an antiquated word for when someone actually has money in abundance). Soon however the mother began to change, sometime during the Bush administration (another thing I blame Bush for), she began to shun red meat and at first I thought it was just a phase, much like how parents see being a teenager as just a phase, and that she would soon grow out of it.

Unfortunately it soon dawned on all of us that she would not snap out of this meatless proclivity. Any attempts to dissuade her were met with arguments that red meat stayed in your colon for years. A point which I argued that since I paid for it I wanted it in my colon for that long (it’s an investment people!). I will say that I’m not against the notion of vegetarianism, I honestly like vegetables as long as they’re cooked in such a way they don’t taste like vegetables! I would also argue with vegetarians that they don’t own a monopoly on “healthy” foods. You can make vegetarian dishes just as unhealthy as dishes with meat in them are.

I will say that, although many vegetarian dishes are tasteless to me, hunger is the world’s greatest spice and I will be forever appreciative to the mother for all her hard work in the kitchen and for, you know, giving me life.

A couple of mild corrections. I did not turn veggie during the Bush administration it was still the Clinton one. He sucks my food down like a Jackal with a rotting carcass. There are times that I feed them meat. Just not very often. Or very much.

Hope you enjoyed my youngest boy's take on the whole meatless thing. Now, I think I'll have to fix canned spinach, brussel sprouts, and raw tofu for dinner tonight. Nah, I can't even stomach that.



P.S. I didn't really beat or confine him. It wouldn't have worked anyway.


  1. The boy has verbal panache!
    While his argument is sound, your defense has merit too. I think we should see the two of you in a debate. Meat vs. Veggie. WHO WILL WIN?!

  2. I love the boy. Should you ever decide to get rid of him, I'll adopt him.

    Or better yet, introduce him to Darling Daughter. Dallas is only 4 miles away from Houston, you know, and I'm in the market for a witty, intelligent son-in-law.

    Just sayin'.

  3. Ok, I was totally giggle snorting through this whole post. You have a very funny and witty young man on your hands there Michelle.

  4. He gets his sense of humor (style) from you! Or is your DH full of fun and dry wit also?


  5. I wish my kids would refer to me as Maternal Overlord. It would mean they recognize that my dominance over them is total and unyielding. They can barely manage to call me Mommy, though. Sometimes it's just Muh. And they do not yet realize or respect the full scope of my power.

    Great post from your adorable kid.

  6. He needs his own blog, or a regular guest post. And a bacon double cheese burger.

  7. Agreed, Cpt. Dumbass. I think Boy needs a permanent guest blog spot. Well written and entertaining post.

    Being a vegetarian, what threw you over the edge? I, am a caketarian, no wait, a cookietarian, no no no, a meatetarian. Oh hell, I just love food. But, reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle scared me off some foods.

  8. A well spoken, fun to read dude who isn't over 40? I think it could be the veggies. I'm going to make my bf quit the cow too!

  9. Is that whole colon meat thing true? EEWWWW!!

  10. I'm with him....meat...does a body good!!!!

  11. I enjoyed reading that! I can see both sides of the argument too.

  12. So I should stop beating my children? Damn.

    I like the original argument of "Bush made you do it" vs you falling victim to non-meat eating in the Clinton Era. Well all know Lewinski ate meat so why don't you? What? I meant chicken and pork. Jeez.

    I'm sending your kid some colon cleansing products to get that red meat out of there.

  13. Beating and confining doesn't work? Well crap, there goes that plan.

    Looks like writer begat writer. Nice work.