My Guilty Secret or maybe not so secret

This weeks spin cycle is guilt. Jen is giving us a chance to get something off our chests. If you haven't checked out the spin cycle head over there.

This is kind of hard for me. I'm guilty of being the biggest idiot on the planet EVER because when I was 19 years old I got married to a jerk.

In my defense I was young, dumb, and "in love". 2 1/2 years later I was released from bondage. It took another 5 years to get my self esteem back, gain back the weight I lost because he insisted I was too fat (90 pounds and 5 foot 2 inches is not too fat), and stop punishing myself for failing. I wasn't the failure in this relationship.

I'd like to say something in his defense but I can't. He took but didn't give. I paid all the bills. When he left me he emptied our savings account when we had agreed that he could only take half. I didn't even know that he did this until I went to pay the rent and didn't have the money. I had to move out asap, forfeit the deposit then move in with my parents. Then I was a bigger idiot still by sending him more money when he asked. IDIOT AGAIN!

He was in California at this time and I was in my hometown in Washington. Did he have the decency to tell me he wanted a divorce over the phone. NO. He wrote a letter filled with mis-spelling and typos. That's right he didn't even hand write it. I didn't even see it coming. IDIOT AGAIN! Only smart thing I did was correct that letter with a red pen then send it back.

I paid for the divorce and I alone showed up in the judge's chambers. He didn't even bother to sign the divorce papers. That is why the judge changed the reason from irreconcilable differences to abandonment. He doesn't even know that the judge gave me alimony for life regardless of whether I remarried or not. I never sued him for it. I didn't want anything from him and never will.

So if I could change 1 thing in my life it would be this. I would have made it harder for him to take advantage of me. I was so smitten that I let (probably encouraged) him to think that it was okay to treat me like bad. I hope that he treats his second wife better. I hope she makes him treat her better.

The smartest and scariest thing I ever did was let JR into my life. I give him all the credit for picking me up, dusting me off, and putting the shine back on. I would never be who I am today if it wasn't for JR. He put up with my craziness those first years together and loved me through all of it. Sometimes I wake up next to JR in the mornings and wonder how I got so lucky.

So I guess I am guilty of being the stupidest person in the world then becoming the smartest.

Love,
M