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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My Guilty Secret or maybe not so secret

This weeks spin cycle is guilt. Jen is giving us a chance to get something off our chests. If you haven't checked out the spin cycle head over there.

This is kind of hard for me. I'm guilty of being the biggest idiot on the planet EVER because when I was 19 years old I got married to a jerk.


In my defense I was young, dumb, and "in love". 2 1/2 years later I was released from bondage. It took another 5 years to get my self esteem back, gain back the weight I lost because he insisted I was too fat (90 pounds and 5 foot 2 inches is not too fat), and stop punishing myself for failing. I wasn't the failure in this relationship.

I'd like to say something in his defense but I can't. He took but didn't give. I paid all the bills. When he left me he emptied our savings account when we had agreed that he could only take half. I didn't even know that he did this until I went to pay the rent and didn't have the money. I had to move out asap, forfeit the deposit then move in with my parents. Then I was a bigger idiot still by sending him more money when he asked. IDIOT AGAIN!

He was in California at this time and I was in my hometown in Washington. Did he have the decency to tell me he wanted a divorce over the phone. NO. He wrote a letter filled with mis-spelling and typos. That's right he didn't even hand write it. I didn't even see it coming. IDIOT AGAIN! Only smart thing I did was correct that letter with a red pen then send it back.

I paid for the divorce and I alone showed up in the judge's chambers. He didn't even bother to sign the divorce papers. That is why the judge changed the reason from irreconcilable differences to abandonment. He doesn't even know that the judge gave me alimony for life regardless of whether I remarried or not. I never sued him for it. I didn't want anything from him and never will.

So if I could change 1 thing in my life it would be this. I would have made it harder for him to take advantage of me. I was so smitten that I let (probably encouraged) him to think that it was okay to treat me like bad. I hope that he treats his second wife better. I hope she makes him treat her better.

The smartest and scariest thing I ever did was let JR into my life. I give him all the credit for picking me up, dusting me off, and putting the shine back on. I would never be who I am today if it wasn't for JR. He put up with my craziness those first years together and loved me through all of it. Sometimes I wake up next to JR in the mornings and wonder how I got so lucky.

So I guess I am guilty of being the stupidest person in the world then becoming the smartest.

Love,
M

18 comments:

  1. What a jerk! Sorry, but why should you feel guilty for being in love? He should be guilty for being so insensitive, shallow, selfish, and a thief! Ooh, that irks me.. You're completely forgiven, Michele, and I promise to turn the channel if that Boston Legal rerun he was in comes on! Linked!

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  2. I know people. I'm not sayin' anything, I'm just sayin'. You know?

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  3. sk:Thanks for the support. Turning the channel is good.

    CD: Hmm..I may just need to meet your people.

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  4. I say a little prayer every mornig that I didn't marriage my high school boyfriend.

    You shouldn't feel guilty for anything - he should. Glad that things work out well for you.

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  5. Wow, that must be hard seeing that loser every time you flip the channel. I'm glad you finally got over him and that you have JR in your life. I had an ex that I wasted six years on and he completely ruined me. I was still on the mend when I met Jamie and I knew he was right because I no longer thought about the asshole when I was with Jamie. You're not stupid for loving him, he's stupid for taking advantage (and being a bad actor. C'mon, Party of Five?).
    Great spin.

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  6. WOW! That's a doozy. I was considering watching Boston Legal reruns, but I will abstain just for you. What a loser!!! Good thing you've got JR

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  7. K: Thanks. Sometimes high school boyfriends make the worst husbands.

    Casey: Was he in Party of Five? I make it a rule never to watch anything that he's in.

    CCG: I'm sorry if I spoiled Boston Legal for you.

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  8. I'm so mad at that D List loser I could spit fire. How dare he?

    I'm with Captain Dumbass... I know people, too. People with a lot of free time and plenty of weaponry.

    Oh, Michele, I'm so glad that you have someone really wonderful in your life who truly loves and adore you. How could anyone not love you?

    What's "Boston Legal" and "Party of Five"? Seriously. I have never heard of either one.

    Love,
    Lacy

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  9. WHAT A JERK!!!!! I'm so glad you've found so much better. You were never stupid, just misguided. Thankfully, JR guided you back. I won't watch him anymore either!!!

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  10. An idiot is somebody who doesn't learn from their mistakes. You are no idiot.

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  11. What an idiot. (Not you, him.) I'm so glad that you now demand more for yourself. And I think I fell in love with you a little for sending back that letter with the corrections. That was awesome.

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  12. Wow, Michele! Yeah, I wish you could go back and stick it to him. But then I do love the fact that when you left, you LEFT and never let him know if you were thinking of him or not. What a jerk.

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  13. I have one of those in my past too. I didn't marry him, but I would have if he'd asked. In a heartbeat.

    When I finally wised up I just felt stupid. Not guilty (and you shouldn't either). I can't say anything nice about HIM but at least the relationship itself taught me what I was *really* looking for, and how to recognize it!

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  14. M-

    Thanks for sharing. I too am guilty of the same thing. Only I paid for the wedding, the rings, the honeymoon, the bills (or my dad did) and got myself into about 40k of debt. I gained 40 lbs from the depression. I was raped. I was choked. I was treated like a punching bag. I paid for the divorce. I alone showed up. I was granted alimony but received very little of it.

    Oh. and then I did it a second time. But he wasn't abusive physically. Just passive aggressive. I was out in just over a year. Never to look back.

    Zach's putting the polish on now. We can both relate to you. You're a better person for it now. I can smell a man like the first one coming from a mile away now.

    I think it's okay to be young and in love. Don't feel guilty for that!

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  15. Well, count me in with the idiots then. I got married when I was 19 to a jerk and I had three children with him in 5 years. Wow! Coach and I have been married 31 years and he makes the jerk look like.... well...a big jerk!
    Glad you found JR! Some of us just take longer to find the right one.

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  16. I would say something but I'm not going to because it's not my blog. I'll just call him a jerk and leave it at that. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING. And JR sounds like a great guy and I'm so glad the two of you found each other.
    Smooches.

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  17. 1st timer, came from the Sprite's spin page.

    I agree with the commenters. He is the one who should be feeling guilty. He's worse than a jerk, he's a fuckwad.

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  18. I fully believe that all of our experiences bring us to the place we're at now. Without that experience, you may not be in the place you are now. And no need to feel guilty...I think most of us have stayed too long in a relationship that we would have done better to run away from!

    I have to admit though...not sure I would have turned down the alimony for life after what he did to you!

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