So the blessed Vodka Mom (my hero) gave me a couple of awards. In her post she expounded on some fundamental truths about boys.
Boys smell. (only until they discover girls. Then they shower 4 times a day & spend thousands of dollars a month in body wash.)
Boys break shit. (Boy, do they ever!)
Boys take things apart. (and never put them back together)
Boys will eat anything & everything. (then bring their friends over. Who will leave your house empty of all food stuffs and looking like the local trash dump. They’re like flipping locust!)
Boys are loud. (I’m sure I have permanent hearing loss in my right ear.)
Boys can’t keep their hands to themselves. (hence the broken shit.)
Her requirements for acceptance are as follows.
1. Holla at your boy...... (I've been waiting to say that since Project Runway ended...) So Done! As the boy was leaving the house this evening to meet up with the new girlfriend I holla’d “ put gas in the car. Drive carefully, Wear a condom!”
2. March their asses into the bathroom and show them how to put up the seat. Oh my God, have them wipe it off, first. I keep the Clorox wipes right next to the toilet. Does it help? NO! Does it improve their aim? I. Don’t. Think. So!
3. Find ONE shirt that doesn't have a stain on it. OMG! Find one shirt that has seen the inside of the washing machine!
4. Have them locate their shoes, take them to the laundry room and SOAK them in some kind of strong shit that will take out that smell. I refuse to get near the boy’s shoes. You can’t make me. Shoes and sheets. OMG! Their sheets! I don’t touch them. Ewwwww…….
5. Hug them very, very tightly, because THAT is the child that will never call you a fucking bitch. You are so right. He & his brother would never call me a fucking bitch. They also never use the “C” word in my presence. First off, it would never occur to them and second their dad would rap them up side the head.
I thank God everyday that I only had boys. JR wanted girls so bad he would have given his right nut for one. I figured that if I had to go through 9 months of pregnancy, gain 30 pounds, endure 12 hours of natural labor, spit out 7 pounds of baby at 3am without the aid of medication, and get squirted with pee because I didn’t know to throw a diaper over that thing then I should get a child that adored me.
I’d like to say that I’m sorry that JR didn’t get his girl but to tell you the absolute truth I’m not. Selfish I know.
So I’m accepting these awards with the honor that they deserve and the humor that they inspire. If you have boys grab up these awards and fulfill the requirements above. I dare you!